A.M.D.G: How Young Men Influence the Girls Who Love Them

How Young Men Influence the Girls Who Love Them
by Mary S. Calderone, M.D.

The following article, based on a talk originally given at the University of Notre Dame, was published in Redbook magazine several years ago. We present it here to challenge your thinking about boy-girl relationships. Do you agree or disagree with the ideas of this distinguished doctor?

Rare is the young man who is fully aware of the important part he inevitably plays in the life of every girl with whom he has a close personal relationship. He is indeed the exception if he has any real understanding of his role in the evolution by which a girl becomes a woman. For no woman is truly a woman until a man has participated in and completed the process that makes her one.

But because it is a process, the subtle, complex evolution of a young girl into a woman occurs over a substantial period of time and cannot be explained by any single act or any single relationship. The French word for it, epanouissement, which has no exact English translation, conveys the idea of “becoming”. And includes such nuances as growth, development, unfolding, flowering, and, most particularly, fulfillment. Often the completion of a girl’s coming of age will occur as a consequence of her relationship with the one young man who proves to be the man in her life. But in maturing into womanhood, she will be influenced by her involvements with all the men to whom she becomes emotionally attached, including friends, teachers, relatives, brothers, an especially her father.

A girl’s development is also influenced by her associations with other women, and profoundly so by her relationship with her mother. And a boy’s evolution into manhood is similarly influenced by the girls and women he chooses to like or love. But I am concentrating on the impact of men on the life of every young girl with whom they share an emotional bond. In my experience, men are generally unaware of the extent of this impact or unconcerned about it. As a result, their behavior is all too often irresponsible. My hope is that in sharpening their awareness of how a girl grows up, I may increase both their concern and their sense of responsibility.

In the early years of her development a girl must strive to accomplish what one psychiatrist has called the four tasks of adolescence. She must separate herself from her parents – that is, become emotionally free of them without rejecting them. She must establish a value system for herself, deciding won the moral principles and value judgments by which she will live. She must choose her life goal, which will eventually enable her to be independent of her parents financial support and finally she must determine and accept her sexual role which means discovering what it means to be a mature woman and accepting not only the joys but the responsibilities of her sexual nature.

Similar tasks must be accomplished by the adolescent boy. But our society has not made equal demands on boys and girls, especially in terms of their acceptance of the joys of sex as contrasted with the responsibilities. Boys have always been encouraged to develop their healthy drive toward sexual manhood, but little has been demanded of them in exercising responsibility. The opposite has been true for girls. Even in this day of the emancipating female, girls are hardly encouraged to express their sexual nature, but they are still expected to bear the burden of responsibility in all heterosexual relationships. In changing society, however, as women increasingly share with men a healthy enjoyment of sex, so men should increasingly share the burden of its responsibilities.

There are two sides to responsibility and they are equally important. One is responsibility to ourselves and this includes the need to know what is right and healthy and nurturing for us; and then there is responsibility for the other, the need to try to understand, to the limits of our ability what maybe be best for the other person. In the latter sense a young man can hardly be counted on to assume responsibility to the well being if girls he dates if he asks and year understanding of what opens to a girl as she slowly matures into womanhood. There is much that he needs to know.

He needs to know, for example that he she has in her unconscious an image of the ideal male that has been built up through her relationships with the men of her family and the men she has come to know up to this point in her life. She has also been influenced by our culture with its constant emphasis on sex- in newspapers, magazines, comic books, television, plays, movies, and perhaps worst of all, the commercial advertising that exploits sex for profit. From this vast flow of experience the girl distills her image of the ideal male. No matter what the character may be of a boy she meets, she tends to see her ideal image reflected in him because of her eagerness to find in the flesh the one male she seeks. Thus a first-love relationship is full of possibilities for misunderstanding, as when a girl who has been reared in a family dominated by a harsh father turns to a boy because he appears to be sensitive and thoughtful. If he is what he seems to be, she will reinforce her image of the ideal male. But if in reality he is a passive, selfish boy, sooner or later this will become apparent and disillusionment may force the girl to reject that image and accept harshness as the mark of the man.

We certainly cannot expect a young man, who may himself be relatively inexperienced in life, to comprehend fully the nature of a young girl’s unconscious image of her ideal male. But it is not common for a boy to sense the girl is looking for certain traits- firmness, perhaps or sensitivity, or tenderness- or for him to assume these characteristics as a shortcut to sexual conquest. If he succeeds in his strategy and then abandons the girl afterward, as often happens, it is because he is unaware – or unconcerned about- the extent of his irresponsibility’s. Apart from having consciously deceived the girl, thereby diminishing her trust in all men, he no doubt will have permanently altered for the worse her image of the ideal male.

A young man must therefore be prepared to face the fact that whether he likes it or not, and whether it is for better or for worse, a responsibly rests on his shoulders when he initiates a sexual relationship with a young and inexperienced girl. Often, however, he is in a poor position to assume such a heavy responsibility since he no less the girl, is floundering in a sea of uncertainties and is himself not entirely sure of the ways in which love is related to sex.

Both the boy and then girl are seeking love and sex, but their needs are somewhat different. For the sake of clarifying the point, we can say the girl plays at sex, for which she is not ready, because fundamentally what she wants is love; and the boy plays at love for which he is not ready, because what he wants is sex. We must understand that in reality both the girl and the girl seek love and sex, tenderness and passion, but that in the early years their drives are rarely synchronized. A girl usually has a greater need for a feeling of legitimacy about the relationship before she can give herself to a boy, a legitimacy rooted in her belief that the boy loves her and that she loves him, for it is this belief that frees her to express the sexual side of her nature. Boys rarely require such a belief to free themselves sexually, but they willingly play at love if this is necessary.

In truth, the girl as well as the boy “plays” at love. For real love in any form is composed of many elements one of the most important of which is primacy of concern for the beloved one. And few are the girls or boy who have achieved enough emotional maturity to b enable to identify the best interests of another person and put them ahead of their own.

There is however a crucial difference in how the boy and the girl play at love. The boy can do so consciously; the girl cannot. In this sense, the boy can play at love as he would at any game using strategy to win. The girl plays at love in a more profound and vulnerable way, since the person she must mislead- if she is to obtain what she wants- is herself. She has a need to believe in love, a need that the boy, in most cases, does not have.

If a young man does use love in this way, as a lure or a weapon, it is usually without his realizing the dangers in doing so, for this gives him the power to arouse the young girl’s sexual nature. Whether he has the moral right to do so is, or course, the critical question. I m one of those who believe we need to develop much new knowledge on which to base new moralities adequate to the changing needs of contemporary society. We do not know all the consequences of introducing a psychologically and emotionally immature girl to sexual stimulation. But we do know that in a large proportion of girls, sexual response does not appear spontaneously, as it apparently does in the male, but is learned at one time or another during her development into womanhood. And in this learning, the male plays the obvious lead.

We have always known this. Yet we do not shine in our ability to say to our son: “Before you make love to a girl, you have an obligation to come to a deliberate decision in full awareness that you will be setting in motion powerful forces in that girl. If you are concerned about her as a human being you must decided whether it is appropriate at her age and stage of development to learn sexual response. And you must decide whether she is ready for this. If you thinks he is, then you should acknowledge that it will certainly affect her life to some degree, and perhaps more profoundly than you can imagine. If you are not concerned about her as a human being, then consider what it will do to you- to your sense of yourself as a responsible human being, to your own character and development- to use her sexually for your temporary gratification. These decisions are your responsibility to make.”

In my experience, few young men hear words of this kind. The plain fact is that we have lost the ability- or, more alarmingly, the willingness- to bring up sons with the strength and self-confidence to assume major responsibility for setting standards and developing the moral values by which human beings must live. What lawyers term the “burden of proof” in establishing the rightness or wrongness of a sexual relationship has too long been placed entirely on the girl’s shoulders…

I believe that every young man needs to know and to accept the fact that because he plays a crucial role in furthering a young woman’s emotional maturity he must accept also that goes with it. He must understand that the sexual act for a woman tends to be the ultimate expression of what she feels about life and her belief in it, expressed through her love for and belief in the man with whom she chooses to live the rest of her life. If she engages in sexual experience before she is mature enough, sex may become an end in itself- or the ability to enjoy sexual experience may be crippled forever- and her capacities for a deeper relationship may be arrested.

Young men must face these realities. We know that many young people today place their sexual lives beyond the reach of adult authority. But if they also place them beyond the reach of a better understanding of the place of sex in the life of man, they serve themselves and society poorly. We are changing and so is society. IF we do nothing to direct the flow of change, negative and destructive forces will determine its course.

Of most profound importance to man and his well-being is his own sexuality and the use he makes of it. It underlies his most important relationship, and indeed pervades all his relationships in one way or another. The Reverend Kenneth Greet, of the Methodist church in Great Britain put it this way: “The beginning of understanding is the recognition that sex is not primarily something we do, but something we are. We have been made male and female in order that we can come together in a unique kind of relationship. Marriage is the most vital form of it. The same act which secures, promotes and deepens that relationship is there as the only fitting environment for it. This approach provides us with the right perspective for a fuller recognition of the immense importance and significance of sex. When we begin to accept it, it inevitably means death to the old double standard of morality… it is also the means of quickening those elements of respect and responsibility which are a vital part of love, if it is to be worthy of the name.”

In my sixties, as mother, grandmother and physician, and from the security of a long and fulfilling marriage, I would like to challenge the young men of this generation to ponder and answer for themselves the profound question: What is the purpose of sex?

The kinds of answers being given to this question have created the distorted images and concepts of sexuality for which my generation must accept full responsibility. But unfortunately we are not the ones who can resolve the situation. You are. We can’t tell you what to do- only that there is something of first importance to be done. Whether or not your generation does it is your choice. How you do it is your business. The standards of morality that must be set for the society in which you will rear your children are yours to define.

The truth about human sexuality as a great creative and re-creative force is yet to be acknowledged. The truth about the relationship of man to woman in the world of today as it turns into the world of tomorrow is yet to be discovered. Only from these two truths can be derived the moralities that we must have if society is to survive as a community in which men and women can find fulfillment in enduring love.

The girl plays at sex, for which she is not ready, because fundamentally what she wants is love; and the boy plays at love, for which he is not ready, because what he wants is sex (Mary S. Calderone, M.D).

It is at this age [adolescence] that individuals should learn some kind of profound respect for one another... the sense of value about the person of another, the comprehension in some way of the inherent dignity of the other that is the touchstone of all Christian morality (Eugene Kennedy).

Ad maiorem Dei gloriam.

Sorry, but I disagree and that's my vote for it. The reasons will be long and troublesome to list out, so if anyone wish to hold a debate over this (which, in my opinion, is pointless(if anyone want to know the reasons why it's pointless, pm me)), plz pm me. In short, just pm me if u want to...talk about this.

It'd be better if the writer were a father, a grandfather and a physician.

Well, next time please shorten your copy-and-paste job since I guess not anyone can be patient enough for this. It would be better for a summery.

''The girl plays at sex, for which she is not ready, because fundamentally what she wants is love; and the boy plays at love, for which he is not ready, because what he wants is sex ''. I don't like this idea. To apply this to our morals would be a mistake.

Yeah yeah I figured out not everybody had the right background to agree with this article.
Furthermore, I forgot to mention this is an educational document on Love, Sexuality and Marriage in a lesson of Morality and Social Justice, in the culture of Americans. A summary would do nothing but leave the readers in greater confusion. A lengthy article would surely not interest everyone, save those who are open-minded and patient enough.
Prior to this lesson, I had been taught epistemology which plays an important part in future learning. I did not agree with this article at first, taking these words too literally, despising it like the way I first took a look at the Song of Songs, Song of Solomon, like the way I responded to the saying of Catholic Church months ago, standing from the perspective of the culture I have been born in and brought up with.
Growing out of the center of your own self is one of the things I have been taught. It includes incredible hardships and exhaustion as you are constantly challenged and exposed to changes. Blessed are those who strive ad maiorem Dei gloriam.
I will be posting many more of the educational documents. You can choose not to read them. But I just want to let you know, these are what American teenagers are being taught in one of the best high schools in the United States of America - by that I did not announce but unintentionally implied, in the world.

What is the point of growing out of the center of your own self when you are living in THIS environment, and THIS society A-good-friend. It all depends. From where I stand, on no account should anyone try to make a change. Guess what. Those so-called leaders are not willing to make improvement. And the majority in favor of traditional culture and morality will stand up to you just like what their grandfathers did.
You had better post whatever practical things rather than destroy "that thick wall" built by our ancestors.
I don't care what Americans are doing, cuz now I'm living in Vietnam.

I think holycrap's right. After all, we are Vietnamese. And our culture is much different from what you've learnt from America. I'm not saying that what you've posted is wrong. It's just..not suitable for Vietnamese culture. Don't try to change it. That's what makes a Vietnamese Girl - that's Vietnamese "thuần phong mỹ tục". Don't ruin this.
Moreover, i might say, to a Vietnamese girl, this thing is really important. It's not just "playing". It's something that gonna change her whole life.
According to a talking held at LHP this year about love - sex and marriage, most of the guys at this age think that having sex at about >17 is ok. But only 30% of them will accept a girl who has had sex with another boy as their wives.
I'm wondering what your point is when you posted this writing.If you want to change people's thinking, that's impossible. If you want to contribute your ideas, well...i have a question,based on what you said, i think you might be more open-minded than other, so what if your future wife is not "pure" anymore? Will you accept her? If you will, will your parents accept her? Let time answer that question.
Again: You had better post whatever practical things rather than destroy "that thick wall" built by our ancestors.
You are still a Vietnamese man.
As a Vietnamese girl,i totally disagree.
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You're right.
You're all right.
I have spoken with my teacher. He said I was wrong. I should not have shown these ideas at all.
I should not have wasted your time and my time posting these ideas at all.
I should have considered all ends of the matter. I should have known you can't expect too much from human.

He said I was still too young and unwise to carry on the job of education.
He told me to try again a score years later, when gray is my hair and brown is my skin.

Er...I think it'll be a little too late, since no one would be interested in listening to lectures about these topics from an old geezer.

It's a not a good idea but we can practice our Reading skill. That's not so bad!!

If ya wanna practice ur Reading Skill, at least find some proper and interesting material (like on www.gamespot.com)

Well, i'm not interested in game!!

We really need a game section

We really need a game section

We don't!!

No need. If u want, create a topic in Public chatting.

Oh com'on. It's the most exciting thing in the world and like all the other most exciting thingz , it deserves a section on this forum (at least)